Happy Mother’s Day all! I put together a last minute post because Conrad and I were laughing about the weird stuff we say as parents that no one would ever, EVER say if they weren’t talking to small crazy offspring. So here’s my top seven bizarre sentences I never thought I’d say, but have.
1.Stop licking your brother”
In Frank’s defence, Bill had sticky toffee pudding on his cheek at the time so I kind of get it.
2. “They don’t have dynamite in Co-op”
Frank asked me to “pop” to the shop and get him some dynamite, he refused to answer why. That was this week so maybe it was an elaborate mother’s day surprise? Or possibly the dynamite was for under his brother’s pillow. Either way I said they were fresh out of explosives.
3. “The police won’t help with missing slippers I’m afraid”
The boys have asked me to call the police more times than I can count, for multiple reasons, including – because I wouldn’t give them jelly beans, because I forgot their daily vitamins, because I’m a bad mama, and yesterday morning because Bill couldn’t find his Spiderman slippers and the only reasonable explanation is that a robber came in during the night and stole them. I’ve always tried to teach the boys that the police are people they can turn to if they’re ever lost, or in trouble, but this isn’t really what I had in mind.
4. “Don’t choke your brother”
Both the boys are incredibly kind with other children, especially younger ones, and animals too, but my god do they go for each other. I vaguely remember my brothers fighting like wolves as a kid so I hope they’ll grow out of it, but sometimes I feel very much like a wrestling referee.
5. “Hulk always eats his vegetables”
I didn’t even bat an eyelid using Marvel heroes to get my three year old to eat his vegetables because firstly – it works, and secondly – I’m sure Bruce Banner does eat quite healthily actually.
6. “I’m so sorry buddy – I couldn’t find a David Bowie themed bouncy castle”
I had my playlist running on shuffle with Frank in the car when he said liked Rebel Rebel. He was four, and I played him some more Bowie. Since then he’s been an avid fan and wanted a Bowie-themed 5th birthday party, which I was keen for (of course) but shockingly there aren’t many kid’s party paraphernalia that are Bowie themed; its all that dull pig family and that weird super genius orphan and his genetically modified pups. So the nearest I could do was a disco bouncy castle that I could pipe Bowie music into while they all bounced around. I think most of Frank’s reception mates were a bit baffled and some requested Disney tunes instead of Bowie’s back catalogue, but Frank had a good birthday so it was a win in my book.
7. “Why would Darth Vader even want to work in a sweet shop?”
Imagination play is their favourite and they love dressing up, and so I often find myself in bizarre situations where I’m asking Batman if he wants more cheerios, or imploring a pirate to brush his teeth before bed, or politely pleading with a World War One officer if he could put his gun down to finish his homework (he said no – the Germans were due to attack any minute). The weird thing is I’m so used to it now I don’t even realise how batshit it is until I take a step back and realise I’m a customer in Darth Vader’s sweet shop and I’m complaining he’s short changed me. (I mean, he completely obliterated Alderaan and its millions of inhabitants just to show off a fancy new weapon and I’m sat here questioning his customer service, what did I expect?)
I hope you enjoyed. Send me your parenting sentences you never thought you’d say, I’d love to read them.