My eldest is turning five next week. I’ll spare you the platitudes about how times flies but seriously…I blinked and he’s five. Anyway, in honour of his upcoming birthday here’s my all time top ten favourite quotes Frank has ever graced us with.
- “Tell me everything you know about coffins”
Kids are creepy and my kid is extra sinister at times. He is absolutely fascinated by anything macabre, and where other children may cower in fear at scary bits of movies or at Home Bargains during Halloween, he relishes it. He was three when he decided Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas was his favourite movie, a film that had my niece in tears before the opening number was finished (and understandably so). This quote is particularly funny if I give you a bit of context; I like to unwind with a bubble bath after the kids go to bed, but unfortunately this has recently synced up with Frank’s poop time. So as I lay there relaxing in my bubble bath he stomped in, pulled down his pyjamas, alighted the toilet without a word, and began his daily poo. Then he looked and me and demanded – tell me everything you know about coffins. Which is little to none. How disappointing for him.
2. “I love Dada more than you”
I hear this frequently and it stings every time, but can’t fault his honesty. His Dada is pretty awesome so I get it; ranking parents in order is a bit brutal though, especially when I am never put first place. I haven’t asked where Grandad, Nana and Granny rank but I suspect I may be fifth. Once to make me feel better he gestured with his hands; Dada is up here, you’re here. As if I needed a visual. He assures me that he does love me, just not as much as Dada. I’ll take it.
3. “Why do we live like this?”
Where do we even begin with this gem? Such an existential question for one so young, and worse – it came with no discernible trigger so I have to assume he’s been mulling over it for a while. We had a lot of follow up questions that he didn’t really answer, so it’s left to our imagination what he meant. Fossil fuel use? Phone addiction? The increasing disillusionment with our democracy? The fact that he’s not allowed ice lollies at 8am? We can but speculate.
4. “I have two rooms in my tummy. One is for dinner, one is for pudding. The pudding one has lots of room.”
That’s my boy.
5. “That’s not a real fairy door and house, it’s just the peoples. The peoples put them there.”
This one is courtesy of Frank’s lovely godmother Rosie, who paints a picture when she says he was ‘grumpy’ about having to walk up a hill back from the beach when he pointed out the fallacy behind fairy doors. I hadn’t actually heard this one before today which means all the times I’ve pointed out fairy doors to him and we’ve wondered if the fairies are ‘out for the day’ and discussed how many fairies live there etc he’s been indulging me. He knows they’re bullshit but he’s going along with it. He must think I’m absolutely insane.
6. “When I’m an orphan do you think that ice cream man will adopt me?”
The key word to focus on here is ‘when’. I’m not sure what he has planned but I’m scared.
7. “COME ON Mama, keep bouncing, lets get rid of that big tummy”
This was at my mother-in-laws garden trampoline when I was getting tired. I think you’ll all agree that even getting on a trampoline having had two children is brave in itself. And then this was a bit unwelcome, if not accurate. All kids are brutally honest about our bodies, or at least mine are. I explained that my big tummy is partly down to growing him and his brother in there (lets not mention the beers and Chinese takeaways) and he accepted that but reasoned that “jumping is healthy”. So we jumped for a bit longer.
8. “Everyone would vote for me to be Prime Minister because I was such a cute baby.”
He was a cute baby, but I’m not sure that is what the electorate really look for in their PM. Although who knows these days. When I asked him about his policies he said “my number one would be to turn all the foxes into dogs”. He’s got my vote.
9. “I love war. War is my favourite.”
This was to a very kind volunteer at Corfe Castle, who was patiently answering all of his questions about the destruction of the castle and how many people likely died therein. It’s a bit dark but I do love his passion for history, even if he does focus on death and pestilence a bit too much. I recently told him about the Black Plague and he was so enraptured I found myself googling black plague statistics for him. He is obsessed with World War One in particular, and his favourite place is the tank museum over in Bovington where they have a replica of the trenches. I prefer going there to watching Peppa Pig, so I’m alright with it.
10. “I love you one million”
He’s harsh at times and often a bit too honest, but he’s adorable and he’s sweet and he’s sensitive despite being referred to as a ‘bruiser’ from in the womb onwards. I love that he’s weird and likes spooky things, and that his favourite thing at the moment is David Bowie, (he has requested David Bowie swimming trunks and a Bowie themed bouncy castle, which is niche). Writing this made me laugh so much. Happy birthday, weirdo.